


Fairness

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Non-Consensual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-10
Updated: 2004-09-10
Packaged: 2017-11-01 11:02:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/355938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You think I've got explaining to do, Clark. You've got a hell of a lot more"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fairness

## Fairness

by Lemonbella

<http://www.geocities.com/indian_skimmer/>

* * *

Fairness by Lemonbella 

Thanks again to Kitkat and Indian Skimmer for the beta, and for not running away screaming when they heard the premise. Any kind of feedback very much appreciated 

*Author's note: In 'Asylum' Clark does not see Lionel increase the voltage on Lex; in 'Covenant' he says he does. This fic uses the 'Covenant' version because it's the information Lex has.* 

* * *

Clark had been standing outside the mansion for forty five minutes before he actually moved towards the front door. It had taken him two months to get to that point, and the last moments were significant. Two months, and fifteen abortive attempts to be precise. Every time he'd made it this far he'd remembered that room. Two months, fifteen abortive attempts, and twenty one overtures from Lex. Each letter, every voice message, all the whispered pleading in the Talon, had only reminded Clark of that room. 

It had been the final gesture which had landed him here; a box left on the table in the barn. A box full of ticket stubs, pictures, receipts, napkins; reminders of everything he and Lex had done together. There was even an empty condom packet. It had made Clark smile, and for the first time in a long time he'd thought of something other than that room. He'd thought of Lex anywhere and everywhere but standing in that room, and suddenly Clark had felt loneliness and loss instead of anger and fear. It had been a relief. 

Clark inhaled deeply and began to walk up the driveway. Lex had the door open almost as soon as Clark's feet had started moving again, so he must have been watching all this time. Clark wondered how many of his previous attempts had also been watched, wondered if Lex had felt the same rush of frustration as he had when he'd turned and walked away every time. 

"Hello." 

"Hi." 

"So what made you come to the door this time?" Lex paused, seemingly unsure, making Clark wonder if Lex was afraid he'd come to end it formally. Lex was rarely afraid. Well, he was regularly afraid, he rarely let anyone see it. 

Clark couldn't pinpoint exactly why this time was different from the others. The box had given him different memories, that was all, things to remember that seemed more real than that room. He shrugged, pushed past Lex and walked towards the study. He settled into the corner of the couch, Lex sitting on the arm at the other end. 

Lex's fingers twitched nervously as he followed Clark, a by-product of keeping the rest of himself calm. He wondered if Clark had noticed that he wasn't; he always seemed to pick up on those things. Lex had fervently hoped the box would get Clark here, standing in front of him, so he could try and explain again. So he could make him see what the room was really about; show him that he had reminders of all of their relationship, the good bits too, not just the secret that stood solid and unbreakable between them. Mostly though, he just wanted the secret to be there in plain sight so Clark would know he needed it to be said out loud. 

"Was it the condom packet? I knew that would get you." Arrogance and humour rolled together in Lex's voice as he spoke. Clark was about to get up and leave, certain he couldn't put up with Lex being Lex today, but he lifted his eyes to Lex's and saw only uncertainty. 

"My Dad could've found that you know." Clark's small smile a reward for the attempt to break the ice. 

"We both know your father's not quite stupid enough to go searching through your belongings. If he doesn't see it, it hasn't happened, right?" Lex dug his hands into his pockets, and crossed his ankles. 

"He doesn't know I'm here." 

"Good," almost a laugh in Lex's voice. 

"They don't like you very much right now." Clark was surprised at how much pleasure he still took in wiping the smirk from Lex's face. The anger was obviously still boiling, even if other emotions had surfaced. 

"They never did." 

There wasn't an answer to that, so Clark stayed silent, studying his fingernails intently. 

The ticking of the clock echoed in the quiet, both men absorbed in their own thoughts, waiting for the other to make a move. After several minutes Clark resigned himself to the fact that he could never out-wait Lex. This was the man who'd waited two years for Clark to respond to his flirting. He took a deep breath, ready to speak, but was interrupted by Lex, calm voice again betrayed by uncertain eyes. 

"Can I show you?" A straight out question, and Clark couldn't really believe Lex was asking it. 

"I've already seen it, Lex." 

"Really show you. Explain." Lex took a deep breath and lowered his eyes to the ground. "I need to explain." 

"Yes." 

"Yes what?" 

"Yes you need to explain, and yes you can show me." Something flickered in Lex's eyes then, but Clark couldn't identify it. He wondered briefly if his decision to forgive Lex would be enough. If he'd actually be able to forgive him, rather than just go through the motions as he was doing now. He suspected it wouldn't matter to Lex either way as long as he was here. 

"Thank you," Lex whispered as he stood, taking Clark's hand. 

Clark shivered at the touch from Lex, reminding him of all he'd missed in the past months. Lex squeezed, as if sensing the tension, and walked out of the office, leading Clark up to the third floor. Only their footsteps could be heard throughout the building as they walked. 

* * *

Clark stopped as Lex pushed open the door, absolutely certain for just a moment that he couldn't go in there, and that he couldn't forgive Lex. But Lex had already stepped inside, releasing Clark's hand and striding down the steps. Clark followed through habit rather than purposeful movement. 

Lex stood impassively, watching Clark fidget, seeing the way his eyes darted around the room. Lex's fingers twitching and rubbing his right palm were the only indication that he was anxious about Clark's reaction at all. 

Clark's breath was fast, palms sweating. He automatically backed away as he felt the nausea rise, expecting to see the Kryptonite in a case in the centre of the room. The nausea didn't ease though, and he could only see a solid box where the rock had been before. Clark took several deep breaths; his heart rate slowing. He glanced at Lex, and noted how he was ready to spring if Clark showed signs of leaving. 

Clark took several paces further into the room, x-rayed the box, which turned out to be lead, and then glanced at everything else in turn. As he looked toward the back of the room, surveying the items he hadn't noticed the last time he was here, Lex stepped closer and spoke, almost eagerly. 

"I told you this was all about me: The Porsche, what was left of the 'plane, Dr Foster's car, the ECT table. Everything, see?" He reached into a drawer and pulled out a sheaf of papers, waving them towards Clark with enthusiasm, needing desperately for Clark to see that this was not only about researching him. Certain for a moment that it would somehow make this all clear. 

"Desiree's medical records, Helen's college transcripts, Rachel Dunleavy's psychiatric report. It's not all about you. It's about me." 

Clark started to speak, wanting to ask Lex how on earth he thought that keeping anyone's medical records was an okay thing, or to ask why there was a giant picture of himself and his parents if it wasn't about him, but Lex interrupted before he could form the words. 

"You're a part of me, though; that's why you're in here." 

Clark felt uneasy at the way Lex seemed to count him as an object. But there was something about the softness in Lex's voice just then that reminded him of the number of times he'd benefited from Lex's possessiveness, how he enjoyed the attention lavished upon him. Maybe this was just an extension of that. His anger cooled slightly, and he turned so he was facing away from the picture. 

Lex spoke again, softness still there, almost pleading with Clark; "I'm trying to find out who I am, who I can trust." 

Clark could think of no answer again, unable to formulate many thoughts in this room, staying for Lex, staying because he managed to get to the front door today. 

"There are too many things Clark, too many things that hurt, and I know I should trust you but none of them made sense, and so it's all in here to make sense of it." Resignation of a sort in Lex's voice, as if he'd been waiting for and dreading this moment both at the same time. 

"What things? You told me you'd stopped investigating me." Clark raised his head with a start, and the words were out before he'd had a chance to think them through. He'd desperately wanted this day to be about anything but his secrets, although he now realised how futile that hope had been. 

"It's not about that Clark. It's not just about you. It was back then, but it isn't now. Not since..." Lex stopped abruptly, trying to calculate where this was going to take him. 

"Since what?" Clark bit out 

Lex sighed. "Do you know what it's like to wait for a rescue that doesn't come, Clark?" 

Clark tilted his head in confusion then, unsure what Lex was talking about and thinking over all the times he had rescued Lex. Again, Lex's eyes gave it away. Haunting and hollow, the same as the first time he'd seen him in Belle Reve, as he'd watched through the walls with his x-ray vision. The weight of Lex's question hit him then. 

"I tried, Lex" 

"Funny how you always succeeded for everyone else isn't it? Lana, Chloe, random strangers. You were always there in time. Fuck, you even managed to save my father," Lex's voice wasn't angry, although the words suggested otherwise. 

"I was there, you saw me. It's just..." 

Interrupted by Lex's voice, sharp, breaking as he spoke the words. "I was there for a month, Clark." 

Clark had no reply to that. A myriad of explanations for that failure running through his brain: His Father's restrictions; the security at Belle Reve; Lionel Luthor. But none of them were worthy, none of them gave the whole story, and all of them would only make Lex certain of Clark's guilt. Because he was guilty, he couldn't feel more guilty than he already did. He didn't trust Lex with the secret, despite everything. However hard he'd tried to believe Lex could be trusted, he could never get himself to take that final step. And that was all it came down to in the end. 

Clark moved to lean against the ECT table, questioning Lex's sanity silently, wondering why anyone would want this, want any of this here as a reminder. "Lex, I..." 

"It's not just that, Clark. You knew about my grandparents, and you told my father about Summerholt." Lex paused, selecting his next words carefully, looking down at his feet. "I don't understand. I don't understand why you'd do that." 

Clark opened his mouth to speak, to tell him the same as he'd said then. Lex had been in danger and he'd done what he had to do to protect him. Something stopped the words though, because that wasn't the whole truth and it came down to the same thing again. 

Lex took the opportunity to close the space between them, and press himself against Clark; his hands covering Clark's on the edge of the table. Clark wanted to protest at the closeness, but in reality could not resist leaning into it; his body responding to the pressure and pushing back. Lex leaned up and took Clark's mouth, teeth biting and pulling at his lips, tongue breaching and stroking inside. Lex's hands pulled Clark down and held him in place, gripping his hair, and kissing as if he'd never get the opportunity again. 

When Lex drew back Clark was panting and hard, and his hands reached out to pull Lex back in. Lex stepped backwards leaving Clark's arms to drop to the table again. 

Lex focused on Clark, wondering how far he was going to have to lead him to what he wanted, wondering if he'd have to say it straight out. Clark would deny it then though, Lex knew, and he couldn't stand to hear the lies again. Not after everything. 

"If there was a reason, Clark, I could understand." 

Clark fixed Lex with a stare and tried to make his mind focus again, wanting to answer the question quickly, and have Lex back in his arms. 

"You were in danger Lex. Your father... I couldn't rescue you, he would've killed you. You nearly fell from the mansion. I thought I was doing the right thing...I'm sorry." 

There was a pause then, Clark's breath still fast. Lex stared into Clark's eyes expectantly, holding his gaze until Clark spoke again: 

"I'm sorry." 

Lex's eyes dropped then, his body slumping, and he brought a hand up to massage his neck as he sighed. It took only a beat for his normal poise to return, but when he made eye contact with Clark again his gaze was colder and darker. 

* * *

"Lex?" 

Lex was moving to the other side of the table and Clark twisted around to follow him, kneeling on the table. He felt uneasy with Lex's silence, his stance was so cold, so different to minutes ago. Clark desperately wanted confirmation that he was forgiven and he briefly wondered how events had ended up here, with him waiting for forgiveness instead of the apology he'd arrived earlier to receive. 

"I'm sorry, and I understand about this room." Clark dipped his head down to try to make eye contact, still unsure whether he understood at all, but the realisation had hit him that that it didn't really matter, that it was just who Lex was. He stared at Lex's hands purposefully pulling at something at the edge of the table. 

"Lie down, Clark I need you to understand this, to understand Belle Reve, and then we can have what we had before. " 

Clark realised how desperately he wanted to have that again; realised that two months of being angry had only made him want it more. He was prepared to go along with Lex's games to get it back. Lex always seemed to communicate better with actions and maybe he'd understand more afterwards. Fear wasn't anything he was familiar with anyway, not in the conventional sense. He was afraid that he would lose Lex, afraid of the secret and what it meant, but he had no hesitation in lying down on the bench, letting Lex buckle the straps closed around his ankles and wrists. 

Lex paused then, staring at Clark, stroking his finger down Clark's cheek, smiling openly and honestly, and it made Clark smile back. Lex seemed more relaxed than he'd been all day. 

"Do you think I'm an idiot, Clark?" 

"No, Lex..." Clark struggled then, only just remembering to control his strength and not break the leather straps. He stilled as Lex moved his hand away. 

"I'm _speaking_ ," said with impatience and irritation, so unlike Lex: who'd always given him time to speak, space to say what he'd never been able to say, and it was the first time Clark thought that maybe he'd passed on his final chance to have that time and space again. 

"Do you think I can't see what's in front of my eyes?" 

Clark paused, not wanting to interrupt again, pulling lightly with his wrists, trying to work the straps looser without Lex noticing. Only when Lex stared impassively did he think he ought to speak. "What do you mean Lex?" 

"What do I mean?" There was almost an imitation of himself in Lex's voice, mocking, but far too bitter to be jovial. 

"You think I've got explaining to do, Clark. You've got a hell of a lot more." 

Clark opened his mouth to respond, to argue, but he had no idea where to take the conversation. Besides, Lex wasn't listening to him anymore, he was holding something in his left hand, bringing it up to eye level. 

"This is the best bit Clark, where they put this in your mouth so you can't scream." 

Clark felt the constriction on his chin, the stretch of his mouth as the stopper pushed his tongue down. And he reacted a fraction too late to the chunk of Kryptonite now pressed into the roof of his mouth. 

"You still scream of course, it's more so that people can't hear you." 

Lex caressed Clark's cheek again as he writhed, words smothered by the bit in his mouth, skin paling and blood boiling. 

Lex leaned closer, staring intently and softly into Clark's eyes. 

"I know, Clark. I've always known." 

* * *

Lex paced the room as Clark struggled, moaning and shifting ineffectually on the plastic surface. His thoughts unable to focus, only images of Lex, of how he'd imagined he'd tell him everything; How he'd hoped he'd respond. All useless now, and Clark knew the opportunity was gone for ever. 

"How dare you judge me, Clark. You lied to me. My father lied to me, but he never claimed to love me whilst he was doing it. I gave you chance after chance. You lied to me, I forgave you. You stood there and watched me, Clark, you watched my father electrocute me and I forgave you . You prevented me getting my memories back, you handed me to him. I forgave you everything." 

Lex rubbed his neck again, twisting his head to the side. 

"You walked away because of a few pieces of memorabilia, a few scientific experiments. You couldn't forgive me. I still loved you, even then." 

The past tense registered with Clark through the pain and thrumming of blood in his head. 

"When?" stammered Clark, the word muffled by the mouthpiece, but Lex understood it nevertheless. 

Lex paused, staring down at Clark, his hand moving to brush the hair from Clark's forehead. "You want to know when I stopped loving you? This was it Clark, when you lied to me again. Love is exchange. Trust and forgiveness are reciprocal. I won't be taken a fool for anyone, Clark." 

Lex wondered then, as he watched Clark convulse, if this was how he'd wanted it to end all along. He'd spent two months imagining the reconciliation, the acceptance of himself, his acceptance of who Clark was, but this was by far the most satisfying turn of events. 

"You watched my father increase the voltage, Clark. You watched him do that because you were afraid for your secret, I can understand that." 

"Yes." Clark murmured, hardly distinguishable from the groans of pain, his eyes calling out a secret prayer to the Lex he'd known, to the man he'd breathed life to. Even through the pain he recognised the half truth, and wished that Lex would let it slip for one more time. Wished that Lex would fix him with that familiar stare again, and then change the subject as he'd always done. 

"Lying again, Clark," Lex snorted, eyes focused intensely on Clark's face, breathing heavily. 

"Why?" Lex shouted even though his face was now close enough to Clark's for him to feel the heat against his ear. 

"..." Clark twisted on table. 

Lex sighed, impatience obvious, and he moved away to stare down at Clark. "You watched him do that because you were afraid of me." 

Clark didn't reply to that, too much in pain to hear the words. Lex continued to talk, almost oblivious to Clark now. 

"After everything. Everything I've told you, everything we've done, you still didn't think I was important enough to know it." 

"I need you to know what that feels like, Clark. What it feels like to have something ripped out of you. To be powerless and screaming; trying to hang on to everything, and being left with only your breath, and the touch of someone's hand against your face." 

Clark's knees flexed in pain, writhing against the hard, black surface, weak pull on the straps binding his wrists. 

"You stood and watched it happen. You stood and watched him do that to me. With everything you knew, with everything you are, you still let it happen, and that should have been enough. But then you did it to me yourself when I tried to get the memories back, and you did it because you were afraid." 

Lex scraped a palm across his scalp, pacing to the end of the bed and back. 

"Did you ever think how afraid I was, Clark?" Lex paused then, surprised by the question. Even more surprised by the answer he gave himself. 

"Yes, maybe you did. But it didn't matter enough in the end did it? I didn't matter enough." 

Lex trailed a finger up Clark's neck, resting on his jaw. Tender and loving, if it wasn't for the fear. 

Clark closed his eyes against Lex's piercing gaze. Silence filled the room; the only noise Clark's jeans catching on the table. His writhing had subdued now, all strength sapped from muscles; his head barely moving against the constriction of the mouthpiece. 

Lex stood impassively for a while, watching Clark; regret passing momentarily across his face as if he'd come to a decision. Clark caught that, his eyes widened in hope, and his heart jumped as Lex started to unbuckle the straps from his ankles. 

Clark tried to shift his legs, but had no energy to move them, too weak to struggle anymore, even with the added leverage. 

Lex caressed Clark's stomach with light strokes, fingers playing at the waistband of his jeans. "I'm sorry," he whispered. 

Clark looked at Lex, relief and the beginnings of forgiveness playing in his eyes. 

"I have to show you," Lex muttered, turning away from Clark's face, left hand moving to unbuckle Clark's belt. 

Clark's eyes widened with confusion and fear, and he renewed his struggles, easy though they were for Lex to control. Lex held Clark's legs still against the table as he undid Clark's boots, and tugged his jeans and boxers off. 

"Shh, it's okay." Lex climbed on to the table, his trousers undone and belt clattering against the metal frame. 

"It was over very quickly." Lex was avoiding eye contact now, Clark grunting from beneath the mouthpiece. Lex lifted Clark's legs and pushed the screwed up jeans under his hips, tilting them upwards. 

Clark tried to make eye contact, but Lex was totally focused on what he was doing. Naked now too, his cock pressing against Clark's hole, one hand by Clark's shoulder, the other holding Clark's knees towards his chest. 

Lex pushed in with one strong thrust, forcing Clark's upper body to shift against the constraints, leather straps straining. Lex's groan was drowned out by Clark's screams. Clark was unable to focus on anything other than the pain and the realisation that this was what it felt like to be fucked as a human. Something he'd dreamed of experiencing, but not like this. 

Six brutal thrusts, each easier, lubricated with Clark's blood, his body limp and shifting easily on the table now. Clark's sobs drowned out Lex's moans, but were engulfed themselves by Lex's scream as he came. 

Lex slumped over Clark's chest, his chest heaving and lips moving, any sound muffled by Clark's shirt. Clark lay still, breathing raggedly and choking on tears. The only feeling left that of Lex's warm come inside him. 

It was several minutes before Lex moved off Clark, sliding off the table, pulling up his trousers, tucking himself away, and fastening his belt. 

He stepped to the head of the table and caressed Clark's forehead , fingers trailing down his cheek, brushing tears away. Clark closed his eyes against the softness of the touch. 

"I remember it was peaceful very quickly, you might even sleep." 

Lex started towards the door, paused and turned back, fixing Clark with a stare, eyes brimming with emotion, stance completely unguarded. 

"I needed to find the other memories," pleading voice to match his eyes. "They were mine, not his and not yours. I needed to be in control and you took that away from me. You took it, not my father, and you took it because you were afraid." 

"Lex," Clark's voice was weak, choked out behind tears and the bile rising in his throat. 

Lex was back at the table now, bending over, clicking the mouthpiece over Clark's tongue, unclasping the rubber from his chin. He licked Clark's lips, tasting salt and blood. 

"If it had been you I would've helped you find them," Lex whispering now. Clark felt tears fall on his face and join his own. 

Lex turned, walked towards the door, and whispered again, almost to himself. "I would have helped you find them." The door swung shut behind him. 

Clark laid still on the bench long after his strength had returned and the bonds could be broken. When he finally began to move it was slowly and purposefully. Pulling on his boxers and jeans, examining the bruises, already fading, on his wrists. He winced slightly in pain as he bent to tie his boots, holding on to the feeling so he could remember it later when he was left with only memories of what had occurred. 

Clark moved silently around the room, surveying everything Lex had collected, and depositing anything relating to himself in the centre. It was slightly shocking how much was left, how much didn't have anything to do with him, much of it he couldn't even connect to Lex in any way, although Lex would know exactly how it all fitted together. 

Clark focused on the pile, and saw it explode into flames. He stood there so long watching the blaze the alarm and sprinkler system kicked in, leaving only smoldering, twisted wreckage. He left it then, and walked slowly down the flights of stairs heading towards the office where he knew Lex would be. 

Lex stood to the left of the room, drenched from the sprinklers, eyes closed, head tilted towards the ceiling and shirt clinging to his chest. 

"I never told anyone," Lex's voice was raised to be heard over the alarm and water, and he added as an afterthought: "I never will." 

Clark stared impassively towards Lex, his arms hanging limply by his sides. 

Lex opened his eyes, meeting Clark's for the first time. "Your secret is safe, Clark. There's no evidence left now." 

Clark continued to stare. 

"I don't think you should come here anymore," Lex said as he turned and walked towards his desk, reaching for the telephone. Clark was gone by the time he'd picked up the receiver. 

~End~ 


End file.
